What Do You Suck At?

My vision blurred and stars appeared in my eyes, as the muscled arm around my neck tightened pressure, restricting the flow of blood through my left carotid artery. The man’s opposite hand gripped my right lapel, similarly restricting the flow through my right carotid, slowly killing me with my own clothes. My physical strength, my will to fight, and my ego drained away as I reached the conclusion that I was beaten and reached up to the arm and tapped twice, croaking out the word “tap” in the process. Immediately, the pressure on my throat relaxed and I collapsed to the mat in a sweaty, spent heap, only to be helped to my feet by the same man that was choking me out moments before. This was my first day, my first baptism, to the sport of Brazilian jiu jitsu and it happened this week. Why, you might wonder, would a 46 year old father of three teens with no prior experience in martial arts voluntary submit himself…pay for the privilege… to an experience such as BJJ?

An easy answer, and at least a partially correct if incomplete one, is that Tyler Durden isn’t the only voice that whispers in my ear, but he is certainly ever present. Similarly, I look around at men my age with dad bods or worse, giving into the gravitational forces of middle age and middling success pulling them into the satisfied, sedentary lives killing them slowly.

It’s more than that, though.

At this stage of life my days are generally filled with routine activities, things I’ve done for years. Some I’ve become quite good at, others only passably so. This includes being a husband and father, a banker and investor, a golfer and a runner, a reader and a writer, among others. But it’s been a long time since I’ve truly been a beginner … years since I’ve set my ego aside and been willing to look foolish, to look like an amateur, to look like an ass. It’s been even longer since I’ve been willing to put my body at risk and let another human smash me. But its an experience that I’ve been craving, that dare I say it, I need.

Over the last many years of my professional career I’ve interviewed many dozens, if not hundreds, of applicants for roles in the finance industry. Many of these were newly minted MBAs full of vim and vigor and more often than not, a healthy helping of bullshit, well-polished by their respective academic institutions in the arts of deflection and puffery. So, I developed a handful of questions designed to throw candidates off their game a bit, to get them to open up to me in the 30 or 60 minutes allotted, to get them to show me what kind of human they were, rather than demonstrate the efficiency with which they could spout practiced answers.

One of these questions is simply, “What do you suck at?” I ask the question exactly that way every time and it never fails to elicit a chuckle, often a nervous one. The more steadfast among them always rephrase my question in their minds so they can answer the question for which they prepared, the one about your “greatest weaknesses” or perhaps “biggest opportunities.” That isn’t what I’m looking for, however. My question, because of its unorthodoxy, is trying to discern how self-reflective the candidate might be. Admitting to having a “weakness” or an “opportunity” is not the same thing as acknowledging truly sucking. The former can be dismissed, deflected, or perhaps talked around. To suck at something and to own that reality takes a person comfortable with who they are and where they’re headed. There’s no pretending involved.  

I’ve received many answers over the years, some of them good, some so bad the interview was concluded on the spot but rarely, if ever, has someone told me they sucked at something because they had become a beginner again, because they had embarked on a process of self-discovery and self-development.

There is a concept in Zen Buddhism called shoshin, or beginner’s mind, which refers to a practice of mindfulness wherein the practitioner attempts to remain open to the world and their experiences, even in areas in which they are expert, much as a beginner would. This, no doubt, is as beneficial a practice as anything that helps us to keep our minds open must surely be … but I’m quite sure Tyler Durden would have punched Shunryu Suzuki in the mouth. I’m not advocating against that mindfulness practice, nor am I (generally) advocating for punching people, but if I am advocating for anything it is that I, that we, must avoid complacency in our lives. As human beings we have a tendency, particularly the more intellectually leaning of us, to make excuses for our own inactivity. “But I’m open minded about things,” we lie to ourselves, without ever changing our behaviors or perspectives. We preserve our energy and our self-conceptions, often settling to remain just what we are today…but nothing is static in this universe.

 We must constantly fight against the protections of the known and routine in our lives. We must be willing to take risks. We must be willing to look foolish, to have our egos bruised, our noses bloodied for the sake of living the life that is possible.

For now I’m choosing to get smashed on the jiu jitsu mats several times a week, by men much younger and stronger than I. I love it and suck at it all at the same time. So, what do you suck at?

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.” – Tyler Durden